Since realizing that I could use some healing, I’ve always known that for me anger and shame are connected. Let me give you a little of the back story!
As a teenager, I was walking a fun line of being a goody two shoes and a bad girl but all I wanted was to fit in, but deep I was really angry, and more often than not, I leaned into the bad girl. And I was angry.
Angry for being abandoned. Angry at the abuse I experienced and the lack of protection by those that should have, well protected me. I was just so incredibly angry at the world that I didn’t care if I lived or not and yet it wasn’t obvious to those around me.
I started drinking at the age of 13 and didn’t know my limit. I was hanging out at the train station in the middle of the night as a 15-year-old. I went to the bar every night at 16, skinny-dipped with people I didn’t really know and never once thought about what could happen and the danger I placed myself in.
Anger doesn’t just show as an outburst, and yeah I had plenty of those but my anger was festering within too because well I didn’t want people to see it or know about it. I wanted everyone to think life was great.
For the last 20+ years, I’ve been diving into this healing process and while the anger has subsided, I at times still get hit with moments of sadness because I know I was trying to protect myself when no one else would.
But anger isn’t the only emotion that I’ve had to face. Shame comes a close second. I wonder how many of us carry shame that doesn’t even belong to us.
There was a time I used to feel embarrassed growing up in foster care and I’ve since come to embrace it and honestly, that shame that came with it wasn’t mine to carry but all too often children carry the burden of their parents.
And the abuse I’ve experienced also came with more guilt and shame but again, it wasn’t and isn’t mine to carry.
I will say there are some things in life where I carried my shame for a long time, like getting a DUI in my 20s or allowing myself to be taken advantage of or being too co-depending on others for my survival, or not always being the parents my kids needed or deserved.
As I continue to heal, I recognize that for me shame and anger are connected and perhaps that is true for you too. It’s important that we ask ourselves whether that is yours to carry or if that actually belongs to someone else.
A free resource library is a collection of digital resources I’ve compiled together. These resources include ebooks, worksheets, checklists, and other helpful materials.